Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Parasitic Twin Cat Hats

No more gigs booked! All done and over with for a few months whilst Mike goes off to spread falafel around the country. I’m not entirely upset by this prospect. We’ve been pondering what we should do live and now is a good time to have a think and let our creative juices seep out. Of course, we’ll be reasonably careful with this creative seepage, you can’t just let it go everywhere. Unwanted creative seepage can be hazardous and shouldn’t be allowed to come into contact with certain sorts of plastic, such as polyethylene terephthalate or acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. If this does occur expect significant discolouration and possibly even sonic disruption approaching 17 microconners. Remember: aural safety is everyone’s responsibility. Be pure, be vigilant, behave.

Ok, you can put your pens down now. Let’s have a little chat. As you grow older you may notice your body begins to change in certain ways. This is no cause for alarm, unless you notice the following:

  1. A strange musty odour whenever you turn around too quickly.
  2. A green tinge to anything that begins with a vowel.
  3. A desire to worship clouds.
  4. Involuntary barking at cats.
  5. Assorted monkey business.
  6. Stamps.

If you notice any of the above, contact your doctor immediately and ask to be referred to the Mashemon Clinic for Inexplicable Afflictions, Mushrooming and Brain Torsion where you can be seen by one of our highly skilled specialists.

Don't worry, I've trimmed it. Pass the butter.

I’d like to talk to you today specifically about Brain Torsion. This is a rapidly growing problem in people of between your age and younger, including people who were born before you. Some academics and scientists say that Brain Torsion is caused by increased atypical sensual stimulation as a result of, but not exclusively due to:

   A. Modern fabrics.
   B. Inquisitive neighbours.
   C. Heavy, clay based soil.
   D. The presence of bats.
   Q. Persistent non-sequiturs. 
   4. Undistributed middle terms in categorical syllogisms.  
  ▲. Knees.

Brain Torsion can lead to a number of symptoms, mostly undetectable but all very serious and potentially lethal, if not extremely debilitating. If you suspect that you or a loved one may have Brain Torsion follow this simple procedure. If you can answer yes to at least 2 of the following questions there is a high chance that it is unlikely that either you or your loved ones may have not developed or are in the process of developing the pre-symptomatic symptoms of someone in a post-tensioning situation, or Pre-Brain-Torisional-Tensioning to use its technical term.

Apple:          Are you or the person you are examining breathing in the same direction you or they are facing?

Orange:         Do you or the person you are examining mistake numbers for the names of fruit?

Cantaloupe:   Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with?

Banana:         Do you remember the first time?

Pear:             Can you remember a worse time?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you need to contact the Mashemon Clinic immediately. Don’t even bother with your doctor, you’re too far gone and he won’t believe a word you say, even if he can understand you because right now you’re probably spouting utter gibberish.

To contact the Mashemon Clinic for Inexplicable Afflictions, Mushrooming and Brain Torsion call the number below:


If you cannot see the number then may God have mercy on us all because chances are you are probably.

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