Invitations to participate in a scandal are now being accepted

We are 8.2% of the way through 2013’s total allocation of days and we have notched up two performances so far. The second instalment of our five act farce at the Pilgrim was at least fourteen spherical inches of fun. Chris Shennan kicked things off early and was very entertaining indeed. Unfortunately he had to leave early too to go and work, which was a shame.

Some Rabbits were outstanding and they brought fruit flavoured Fox’s Glacier sweets as part of some sterling promotional punning on the name of their new single Some Foxes. We all enjoyed them very much and, what’s more, they are extremely nice people to boot. Liam Some Rabbit will be returning as a Zebra for February. I heartily recommend that you attend.

We were pretty good too. We didn’t fuck up our new song Lucky not Lucky to any great degree so I’ll put that one in the win column. We’ve got another new one on the way for the 9^th of February. See if you can pick it out from the list below:

1. Lips limbs lungs
2. Facts
3. Stone
4. Lucky not lucky
5. Donkey's Arse
6. Curtains
7. Various Propositions
8. Sanity Check

There may be a prize. There may not be a prize.

We also played at Phoenix of Avalon’s EP launch in the Lantern Theatre and we had a very nice time. It’s a very welcoming little theatre and they made us feel very at home. We also picked up a cracking review from www.liverpoolsoundandvision.co.uk.

So all in all we’ve kicked off 2013 quite well. At this point I think it is entirely appropriate to speculate as to what 2013 may hold for us. I have gazed into my crystal prosthetic scrotum and this is what the swirling mystical spermatozoa have revealed:

1. Andy will be invited to produce the next Roger Whittaker album but will turn it down after suddenly developing a terrible fear of beards.
2. Mike will tangle his leads into a knot so dense that it begins to warp the fabric of space. William Shatner will arrive to sort it all out. Andy will record William Shatner’s new album.
3. Matt will discover that it is possible to reanimate corpses using Glade plug-ins and Vimto.
4. Matt’s zombie army will take over Tuscany.
5. Mashemon will enjoy a nice holiday in Tuscany.
6. I will stop worrying and learn to love the bomb.
7. My dog will cost me another massive pile of money when she ends up in the vets after challenging an orang-utan to a gin drinking contest and getting into a fight with a Russian sailor on shore leave.
8. Mashemon will finally finish our rock opera based on Culpeper’s The Complete Herbal after cracking the difficult arrangement of Borage.
9. One of us will learn how to levitate. One of us, who can levitate already, will feel a little less special.
10. My naked arse will be projected onto the surface of the moon so that all the people of the world will be united in admiration of my hot, hot ass.

It is possible that not everything on the list will occur in 2013, some of them may be postponed until 2014 so don’t come to me with disparaging remarks this time next year because I will simply nod sagely, stroke my beard and tell you to blow it up your wazoo.

In other news: I’m pleased to say that playing my new Firebird at the last gig was very pleasant indeed. Now we’ve got Matt making bringing the twang and scratch with his Telecaster the earthier, deeper tone of the Firebird sits very nicely in the mixture. I’ve even ordered some new Bill Lawrence pickups for it, although they seem to be taking their sweet time to get here. I can only imagine that they’ve been stolen by Rock and Roll Pirates who have put them to use in their swashbuckling activities of deflowering maidens, brawling with burly Hungarians and rocking out with their cocks out.

Speaking of which, because of the low slung nature of the new guitar I can happily rock out with my cock out all the time and no one will be any the wiser, until I start playing it with my teeth. The guitar that is, I gave up those sorts of contortions when the subscriptions to my pay-per-view website hit the £1,000,000 mark and I realised that I could pack it in and avoid major back surgery. Something to bear in mind.

My mastery of the reverse lunge is unrivalled!

December’s gig went really well. We have launched our new EP and people have reported that they like it. This is a good thing to hear. I would like to think that someone, somewhere, did a little getting ready for work dance to it, or maybe did a little getting ready for bed dance. Or maybe both, if that’s the line of work they are in.

I did a little dance the other day. I think I was eating something tasty and it compelled me to do a little jig. My hips were very mobile. It was not entirely an appropriate jig.

Our next performance is a mere 10 days away and as far as doing a new song each gig is concerned we may fall at the first jump and have to be taken into the car park and put out of our misery with a brick. Things that may have caused us to fail:

1. Micro-organisms.
2. Festivities.
3. The implacable marching of time.

Of course, we may find in our two remaining rehearsals that this song comes very naturally to us and that there was nothing to worry about at all in which case the beginning of this piece will just be me scare mongering needlessly and you’ll say:

”He’s losing his mind.”

And I’ll say:

“Who are you talking to?”

Ha! See what I did there? Try to pull that shit with me buddy and I’ll have to teach you a hard lesson in the art of recognising shit that shouldn’t have been pulled. So put that shit-puller down and button your lip, wise-acre.

Another thing we may or may not be doing at the next gig is bringing along my old and rather large bass-combo to act as some kind of sub-woofer to give things a bit more bottom end. The bass amp is currently sat under my stairs, where it has been for quite some time. I’m going to get it out and turn it on tonight and see what happens. Oooh, shut your face. Filthy. Providing everything is in order with it I’ll be getting Mike to give me a hand carrying it to the van and sticking it inside. Behave. Then we’ll give it a good working over in rehearsal to make sure it will be up to the task of lasting through the next gig. Dirty!

I do hope you’ll be coming to our next night at the Pilgrim. It’ll be on Saturday the 12th of January. Doors open at 19.30 ish. Bring a friend. Bring two. Now return to whatever it was you were just doing. Except for you. Don’t do that.

Mentol rocket blast! Full & Frontal!

The expansion has been a success and we now move onto phase 8 of the plan. At least I am fairly certain this is phase 8. Things left to do this year:

1. Do our final 3 track EP for the year.
2. Do a split EP with Dass Unser so we can jettison our pop music ballast.
3. Start making preparation for what we will be up to next year.

 We’ve already got started on next year’s project and I’m confident it will be at the very least a pleasing diversion. One thing I will say is, if you haven’t got hold of anything which we’ve already done either on CD or as a download, do it before the end of the year.

Next gig is on the 19^th of October in the Lomax. We’ve got some class acts lined up, as displayed below:

It is going to be Professor Graham’s first gig with us and I am expecting you all to show him some goddamn respect. Not only is he more intelligent than you are, but he is also a professional wrestler and can probably open you up like a tin of sardines. So don’t start giving him aggro or being all up in his face because, and I am not exaggerating, he will fucking end you.

Really, I don’t know why I always have to tell you to just behave and act nice, anyone with half a brain would have learnt from the last time, but no, you just can’t help yourself. What about that butcher you were taunting last Tuesday? And that chef in the Chinese restaurant? I am not going to spend another evening in A&E waiting for you to have something else sewn up, stitched back on, pulled out or shoved back in. 

In other news: I saw my second Mock Mock Tudor house yesterday on my way to Shrewsbury. If you or anyone you know lives in a Mock Mock Tudor house I would love to meet either you or them and I woud love to love you or them even more. 

Other other news: that thing I said about these blogs happening more often: fucking lies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

If I let go of it for just a second we'll all be impregnated

We were trying to think of something different the other day. We are playing at the FesEvol at the The Kazimier on Saturday the 12^th of August and since we’ll be playing in the daylight we won’t have the opportunity to use the projectors. This means that we will have to rely on our own natural charm, charisma and stage presence to embellish the performance. Hmmm.

So we were thinking of ways we can do something a bit different and we pondered, stared into the middle distance, stroked our chins, made thinking noises and furrowed our brows. This is what we came up with:

1. Perform naked.
2. Get an escapologist.
3. Grow moustaches.

I think you’ll agree that’s certainly a list. As to whether the items in the list are quality items, I think the less said the better. Sometimes we come up with better ideas than this, but not this time.

If we were to be trendy zeitgeisty types, we’d put it to the vote. Except it would be a thoroughly demoralising process for all concerned no matter what the outcome was. Much like chemical warfare or the postal service.  

It’s not always easy to come up with an interesting or novel idea at the drop of a hat, although strangely enough the International Hat Dropping Championships were thought up in just that fashion. Still, relying on serendipity isn’t going to put dinner on the table or money in the bank or ducks in the pond or monkeys in the trees or fish in the sea or tassels on nipples or chips in the fryer or ground glass in the camp commandant’s mashed potatoes or Buck Rodgers in the 25^th Century. 

This effort from Geoff "Fiery" Boycott saw him lift the Chalice in 1970

What I’m saying is, if we’d had a flip chart and some pens and a day of team building exercises we might have come up with something better. So don't make the same mistake. Mashemon Inc. run a series of Action Activity Days focusing on fostering improved inter-personal team dynamics, re-balancing systemic process inequalities, providing nurture bubbles for proto-cognitive realisation gradients and facilitating non-culpable responsibility “we-states” vital in the full formation of intermeshed community zero-scale market gearing in the modern world. 

Formalising the "notion-of-us" in a respect-rhombus

Prices start at £300 per person per day. Buffet lunch and light refreshments included. Bring a change of clothing.

Ultimately it will all come down to the performance on the day. I am planning on taking one song at a time, playing the high percentage notes, keeping focussed on doing the simple stuff right and playing each ball on its merits. You simply cannot afford to make simple mistakes at this level and you should be able to clear up in one visit. Our defence is strong, we’ve been training well and Andy is getting over his groin strain. He might need a pain killing injection, but he’s a brave lad and I’m sure he’ll give 110%. As far as Mike’s upcoming trial for racism, homophobia, sexual misconduct and armed robbery is concerned, we are not making any comment at the present time. Because we’re a little scared of him. 

It's about this time of the day that I like to tell you to go and boil your head.

I saw butterflies eat flesh!

I return! Like an eel in a coracle, or a wasp in a thermos flask. I know I’ve not been getting as many posts on here as I should and I know I’ve said before that I’ll be more prolific so I’m here to tell you two things:

1. There will be more blog posts in the future
2. They will appear at a higher frequency
3. They will make less sense than ever.

You can put that in a bag and call take it to the funeral home.

Talking of funeral homes, there’s one down the road from where I live which has the most interesting exterior decoration this side of the M6. You’re all familiar with what a Tudor house looks like I presume. White walls, black beams, you might be able to summon the image in front of your mind right now. There might even be a Tudor man and Tudor woman standing outside the house. Give them a wave. Are they waving back? Try again. Anything? Probably not. Bastards. 

Oi! Big nose! Look me in the eye when you don't wave at me.

You’re also probably aware of the 20^th Century Mock-Tudor house. You know, you see them in middle-class housing estates with their black timbers and white bits of wall. There’s probably a Ford Mondeo in the drive way. Possibly a Ford Focus as well. There’s a nice couple standing outside. Give them a wave. Are they waving back? Probably not. That’s because you are too poor and they are afraid of you. If you look carefully they have both let a little bit of wee come out. 

Stop being happy and wealthy and eat your dinner.

So, we know what a Tudor house looks like, although you might be thinking of the Tudor Revival of the late 19^th and early 20^th Century. I’ll let you off this time, but my goodness you’re pushing it. One of these days we’re going to come to blows and when the punching starts I punch to maim. Not to demoralise or deter, proper horrible, brutal, nasty, ugly punches. And I’ll kick you in the balls as well. If you’re not a ball owner I’ll kick someone else in their balls and it will be all your fault. So please, just stop dicking around and pay attention. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

If I may continue. You’ve got your Tudor house and you’ve got your Mock Tudor house. Both of them involve the use of wooden beams visible on the exterior, in the Tudor house they are actually structural whereas in the Mock Tudor house they are more decorative, to give the impression of a half-timber structure.

The funeral home down the road has taken this one step further by painting on the dark timer beams. Yes, that’s right; it’s a Mock Mock Tudor building. I don’t know whether to shit myself or go blind. Suffice to say, every time I pass by I give it a round of applause.

I’m guessing that right about now you’re thinking:

 “That’s exactly the look I’ve been searching for my home. But how can someone like me ever afford to have a house like that?”

Well there’s no need to fret or sell your organs because Mashemon Property Redesign offer a wide range of exciting design possibilities for your home. With prices starting as low as £37.42 (excluding VAT) you can have the dream home you’ve always dreamed of dreaming of. Give us a call and we’ll be round in a flash. A cup of tea would be nice. White, no sugar. Thanks, sugar tits.

Parasitic Twin Cat Hats

No more gigs booked! All done and over with for a few months whilst Mike goes off to spread falafel around the country. I’m not entirely upset by this prospect. We’ve been pondering what we should do live and now is a good time to have a think and let our creative juices seep out. Of course, we’ll be reasonably careful with this creative seepage, you can’t just let it go everywhere. Unwanted creative seepage can be hazardous and shouldn’t be allowed to come into contact with certain sorts of plastic, such as polyethylene terephthalate or acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. If this does occur expect significant discolouration and possibly even sonic disruption approaching 17 microconners. Remember: aural safety is everyone’s responsibility. Be pure, be vigilant, behave.

Ok, you can put your pens down now. Let’s have a little chat. As you grow older you may notice your body begins to change in certain ways. This is no cause for alarm, unless you notice the following:

1. A strange musty odour whenever you turn around too quickly.
2. A green tinge to anything that begins with a vowel.
3. A desire to worship clouds.
4. Involuntary barking at cats.
5. Assorted monkey business.
6. Stamps.

If you notice any of the above, contact your doctor immediately and ask to be referred to the Mashemon Clinic for Inexplicable Afflictions, Mushrooming and Brain Torsion where you can be seen by one of our highly skilled specialists.

Don't worry, I've trimmed it. Pass the butter.

I’d like to talk to you today specifically about Brain Torsion. This is a rapidly growing problem in people of between your age and younger, including people who were born before you. Some academics and scientists say that Brain Torsion is caused by increased atypical sensual stimulation as a result of, but not exclusively due to:

   A. Modern fabrics.
   B. Inquisitive neighbours.
   C. Heavy, clay based soil.
   D. The presence of bats.
   Q. Persistent non-sequiturs. 
   4. Undistributed middle terms in categorical syllogisms.  
  ▲. Knees.

Brain Torsion can lead to a number of symptoms, mostly undetectable but all very serious and potentially lethal, if not extremely debilitating. If you suspect that you or a loved one may have Brain Torsion follow this simple procedure. If you can answer yes to at least 2 of the following questions there is a high chance that it is unlikely that either you or your loved ones may have not developed or are in the process of developing the pre-symptomatic symptoms of someone in a post-tensioning situation, or Pre-Brain-Torisional-Tensioning to use its technical term.

Apple:          Are you or the person you are examining breathing in the same direction you or they are facing?

Orange:         Do you or the person you are examining mistake numbers for the names of fruit?

Cantaloupe:   Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with?

Banana:         Do you remember the first time?

Pear:             Can you remember a worse time?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you need to contact the Mashemon Clinic immediately. Don’t even bother with your doctor, you’re too far gone and he won’t believe a word you say, even if he can understand you because right now you’re probably spouting utter gibberish.

To contact the Mashemon Clinic for Inexplicable Afflictions, Mushrooming and Brain Torsion call the number below:

Telephone:

If you cannot see the number then may God have mercy on us all because chances are you are probably.

Lemon scented crack den

The dust has settled around the Kompressor EP then. We’ve had some good reviews of the opening night here:

http://www.peterguy.merseyblogs.co.uk/2012/03/mashemon-dass-unser-so-sexual.html

and here:

http://mangoneblog.tumblr.com/post/20123960451/review-mashemon-ep-launch-saturday-17-03-12

Seba Rashii supplied a glowing review of the EP:

http://seba-rashii.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/reviewmashemon-kompressor-ep.html

And with that brief flurry it’s all gone silent. The world has spun and more important things have occurred. So rather than pine for our brief moment in the sun we’ve started planning our next release.

In their rawest form the plans are as follows:

• Another 4 track EP and accompanying gig.
• Some videos featuring actual band members in motion.
• Some web-based performances for you to cut out, keep and touch yourself to.
• A gig on a zeppelin floating over the great cities of Europe.
• The grand opening of the “Mashemon Boutique of Perversion” Fetish Emporium.

I admit that some of these events are more likely than others and I wouldn’t be so bold as to put a time scale on any of it, but I will say that the EP and videos will be done in a matter of months. The other stuff may take a little longer.

We have a gig coming up in the Zanzibar on the 4^th of May. A good slot as well, at 10.00pm. So you have plenty of time to lose your inhibitions beforehand. Apparently we will be acquiring some tickets, so get in contact via Facebook if you want one.

Tomorrow we will be attending the Record Store Day Band Fair at FACT to distribute some of the final copies of the Kompressor EP. Come along and get one while there are physical copies left. Kicks off at 2pm.

This must be one of the most sensible posts I have ever done. It is full of actual information that may be of interest and use to people. I don’t know if this bodes well. I’ll have to start concocting something opaque and obtuse as soon as possible.