I'll bring the porcelain crotch, you supply the copper flange.

Our first gig of the year was not a solid gold success. Sometimes the stars align to make everything occur in perfect synchronisation, yielding happiness and bliss for all. Sometimes the stars align, again in perfect synchronisation, to produce a demonic shit storm that leaves you really, really tired. And shitty.

I’m sad to say the stars were arranged against us.

We’re easy going guys, us Mashemons. We like to be helpful, polite and generally genial. Smooth the way and all that. So when we heard that our gig at the Threshold festival was at 1 o’clock in the morning we dutifully swallowed our fears and got on with it. Either no one would be there or everyone would be there, so you never know. Next up we found out the sound check was at 12.30pm. A good 11 and a half hours away from our slot.

“Crikey” we said, “that’s something”.

Still, we sucked up our bellies and turned up and did our thing and went off to meditate and practice our kung-fu. And watch Liverpool’s pathetic performance against Manchester United.

We met up in the evening to pootle along to the festival and catch some of the acts. We saw The Left Hand, who were very good. We saw some other stuff, which I didn’t understand. And by not understanding I don’t mean to say that they were dealing in musical concepts which were beyond my comprehension, I mean “I don’t understand why they are here playing to these people whilst we have to wait until 1 o’clock in the morning to play to no one at all". 

It surprised me:

I once saw a Kiss Tribute band. Ronnie Barker was Gene Simmons. 100% of FACT.

We got to the Elevator bar at about 10.30pm. There were probably about 40 people in at the time. Not sure who played. But about 20% of the crowd left. Then another band, who did for another 20%. Repeat. By the time we went on there was only two punters remaining, one of whom was the redoubtable and indefatigable Tony, the power behind the excellent Liverpool Bands website and facebook page, who had come all the way from Yorkshire and had hung on to see us. We finally got on the stage at 1.30am and started playing at 1.40am. It was not a vintage performance, but we got through everything facing the right way and without any accidents. Well done us.

The sound guys seemed to enjoy it. The bar staff seemed to enjoy it, our much put-upon and abused venue liaison lady enjoyed it and Tony enjoyed it. We spread a little happiness. Well done everyone.

Am I keen to do it again? Not if the stars align in the same way. Am I disappointed that yet again we get stiffed in the scheduling department; yes I am.

Am I looking forward to tonight’s performance in the Lomax, which we organised ourselves? Sweet Jesus Corbett yes I am. I’m going to rock my prosthetic cock off. You see if I don’t.