August is nearly up and that means there’s not a lot of summer left. One more summer, no closer to making nuclear fusion a viable energy alternative. Another summer gone where I have not worn shorts in public.
I have quite nice legs, a little hairy maybe, but they’re alright. If you saw my legs in a line of ten pairs of legs you wouldn’t point at them and say “worst legs”. Of course all the legs would have to be in the same state, you couldn’t have 9 pairs of lovely tanned smooth legs and mine because, and this is assuming you are a fan of the tanned smooth leg, my legs would be disadvantaged, they would not be on a level playing field, the odds would be stacked against my legs, my legs would not be getting a fair crack of the whip, spin of the wheel, smell of the cheese or squeeze of the melon. In fact this is just the sort of lovely legs competition you would organise, just to make my unhappy. Well, it won’t work. You can take you competition and shove it.
Coming round here comparing my legs with other legs. One of these days why I oughta…
We had a good night on Saturday at the CUC with Talk to Frank, Low Winter Sun and Nick Lawless. We made a good old racket and I think I may have thrown one shape. Only one mind you, standards and all that. Hopefully no one noticed the shape I threw. If they did they would probably compare it with other shapes they have seen thrown and then they would ask themselves “which is the best shape?” and since I am, at best, an indifferent thrower of shapes there is a fair chance that I would be ranked poorly. And then they would turn up at the next gig, with their official league table and inform all and sundry that not only did I have the worst legs but threw the worst shapes as well. This is precisely the sort of thing that makes me regret ever leaving the convent. I mean aquarium. I mean sanatorium. I don’t know what I mean.
So that was a good night. We’re doing some recording tonight for out next single, which will run thusly I think:
Side A: Guts - (Redolent of a drunk hod carrier in tights, sling-backs and a sequin gown at a wedding reception.)
Side B: More - (Essence of The Bay City Rollers being murdered by meth addled iguanas.)
Side C: Taxidermy - (A hint of Tony Bennett singing Heroin whilst having his head slammed in a fridge door.)
I can’t guarantee that these songs are anything like what I have described, but I’ve had a go at it. These should be ready to get your grubby little hoofs on in September. If you come along to witness us supporting Vic Goddard and the Subway Sect at the Williamson Tunnels on September 10th I’ll even throw in a free look at my ankles.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Friday, 12 August 2011
Is there an aching in your bacon?
The following will be as topical as it ever gets around here.
1. People throwing bricks through windows and stealing trainers = idiots.
2. MPs bleating on and on and on and on about how unacceptable and mindless and criminal it is = parasites.
3. The Prime Minister making out that he had something to do with easing the situation = utter cunt.
4. Reactionary-middle-class puffed up peacocks and peahens whining on about how they should have their benefits stopped and national service would do them good = short sighted bourgeoisie pricks.
5. Rioting isn’t new.
6. Every time this happens a bunch of bright sparks have a good long look at it, come to the conclusion that, as social animals, the society in which an individual finds itself actually shapes the behaviour of that individual, that there are clear sociological and economic reasons why these things happen and if they were changed then life would actually be better, not just for the people who were suffering but for absolutely everyone involved.
7. Solving the problem gets a bit boring/expensive/difficult.
8. They remake the Invasion of the Body Snatchers again and nothing ever changes.
That would be my 2 pence worth. Let’s just say we’re all right and never speak of this again.
In other news, we will be unleashing our flaming loins on the public on the 20th of August at the Lomax in Liverpool. If the heat emanating from our loins is too much for you, you’ll have to make room for the people at the back who aren’t weak and afraid of the power of our loins. It has the power to heal; it can make people with bad posture stand up straight, discipline the lazy eyes, in some cases it can even cure male pattern baldness. Sometimes it gets so hot you can toast a marshmallow on it, or a nice crumpet.
Ooh, I could do with a nice hot crumpet right now. And then something to eat! Sauce! Shut your face! Phwoaaar!
The other day I learned that sometimes you might want to rock out, but sometimes you want to do more, you want to rock out with you cock out. I can see the plus points in that, but also the downside. If you like your rock, you probably enjoy rocking out. But you might not enjoy rocking out if those around you are also cocking out. The verb cocking is not usually used in this sense, but I know you’ll know what I mean.
Sometimes I like a bit of jazz. I used to play a little in a modest way. Sometimes I would be jazzing so hard I would actually want to put my cock away, jazzing with my cock in as it were.
There you have it. Yin and yang. Cock in and out. Sunrise, sunset. You can have it both ways. OOOOH! SAUCE! PHWOOOOOOAR! SHUT YOUR FACE!
1. People throwing bricks through windows and stealing trainers = idiots.
2. MPs bleating on and on and on and on about how unacceptable and mindless and criminal it is = parasites.
3. The Prime Minister making out that he had something to do with easing the situation = utter cunt.
4. Reactionary-middle-class puffed up peacocks and peahens whining on about how they should have their benefits stopped and national service would do them good = short sighted bourgeoisie pricks.
5. Rioting isn’t new.
6. Every time this happens a bunch of bright sparks have a good long look at it, come to the conclusion that, as social animals, the society in which an individual finds itself actually shapes the behaviour of that individual, that there are clear sociological and economic reasons why these things happen and if they were changed then life would actually be better, not just for the people who were suffering but for absolutely everyone involved.
7. Solving the problem gets a bit boring/expensive/difficult.
8. They remake the Invasion of the Body Snatchers again and nothing ever changes.
That would be my 2 pence worth. Let’s just say we’re all right and never speak of this again.
In other news, we will be unleashing our flaming loins on the public on the 20th of August at the Lomax in Liverpool. If the heat emanating from our loins is too much for you, you’ll have to make room for the people at the back who aren’t weak and afraid of the power of our loins. It has the power to heal; it can make people with bad posture stand up straight, discipline the lazy eyes, in some cases it can even cure male pattern baldness. Sometimes it gets so hot you can toast a marshmallow on it, or a nice crumpet.
Ooh, I could do with a nice hot crumpet right now. And then something to eat! Sauce! Shut your face! Phwoaaar!
The other day I learned that sometimes you might want to rock out, but sometimes you want to do more, you want to rock out with you cock out. I can see the plus points in that, but also the downside. If you like your rock, you probably enjoy rocking out. But you might not enjoy rocking out if those around you are also cocking out. The verb cocking is not usually used in this sense, but I know you’ll know what I mean.
 |
| Terry - cock in or cock out? You decide! |
Sometimes I like a bit of jazz. I used to play a little in a modest way. Sometimes I would be jazzing so hard I would actually want to put my cock away, jazzing with my cock in as it were.
There you have it. Yin and yang. Cock in and out. Sunrise, sunset. You can have it both ways. OOOOH! SAUCE! PHWOOOOOOAR! SHUT YOUR FACE!
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Like hot sexy beast on toast, that's what.
It’s been a few weeks now since our debut as a three piece and the good feeling hasn’t worn off yet. A big thank you goes to everyone who turned up, to Go Heeled and Ade Jackson for making lovely noises and also to Katherine Hartley for taking some great pictures. Furthermore, I think that anyone with a heart and ears would have to agree that Andy was magnificent on his debut.
We’ve been working on the b-sides for our next single, due out sometime in August or early September probably. Track listing runs thusly:
1. Guts
2. More
3. Taxidermy
Went to Manchester Radio online for a nice chat with Paul and Lucy on the Ripman Show on Monday. Drank some drink, slurred our words and they very kindly played Lips Limbs Lungs and the b-sides. Very nice people they were as well.
Whilst we are on the subject of booze and trying to talk about Mashemon, Richard Lewis has included us in his recent roundup of what is going on in Liverpool for http://www.beardedmagazine.com/. We spent a pleasant afternoon in the pub with Richard a couple of weeks ago, holding forth about music, the premier league of glam rock, the sealed knot society and a whole heap of other stuff for an article for Nerve magazine. I don’t remember much about the evening other than going for a drink with Paul Reynolds from A Flock of Seagulls and being told that Brian May is very tall.
This Saturday we are playing for the CND at St. Brides church in Liverpool. We’re on at 4.30pm, so come along and see what we look like in the light.
 |
| bang bang bang bang bang boom tish |
We’ve been working on the b-sides for our next single, due out sometime in August or early September probably. Track listing runs thusly:
1. Guts
2. More
3. Taxidermy
Went to Manchester Radio online for a nice chat with Paul and Lucy on the Ripman Show on Monday. Drank some drink, slurred our words and they very kindly played Lips Limbs Lungs and the b-sides. Very nice people they were as well.
Whilst we are on the subject of booze and trying to talk about Mashemon, Richard Lewis has included us in his recent roundup of what is going on in Liverpool for http://www.beardedmagazine.com/. We spent a pleasant afternoon in the pub with Richard a couple of weeks ago, holding forth about music, the premier league of glam rock, the sealed knot society and a whole heap of other stuff for an article for Nerve magazine. I don’t remember much about the evening other than going for a drink with Paul Reynolds from A Flock of Seagulls and being told that Brian May is very tall.
This Saturday we are playing for the CND at St. Brides church in Liverpool. We’re on at 4.30pm, so come along and see what we look like in the light.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Automatic Grape Foam
If, like me, you often find yourself having to come up with the name of a famous actor who you need to disguise yourself as you’ll probably have a couple of reliable names you can pluck out of the ether without much effort. Mine are Vincent Price and Sidney Poitier. You might have Hattie Jacques and John Le Mesurier, or Adam West and Marlon Brando. You can have whoever you like, there aren’t any rules. You can have more than two if you need them. It is up to you, I can’t tell you how to live your life and even I tried to I doubt you’d listen to a word I have to say even though I am always right about these things, like that time you were going to spend all that money on those expensive sausages because you were having your family round and your mother always complains about whatever you give them unless its sausages and even then if they aren’t excellent sausages from the butcher then she’ll go on and on and on and on and on about her old butcher when she was a child living in Chelmsford and how the butcher had sawdust on the floor and was really fat and you can’t trust a thin butcher, just like you can’t trust a bald barber.
 |
| Here's a picture of a fat butch... hang on |
Do you remember what I said? That’s right, I told you to tell them to and fuck themselves. Of course, when your father died later that year and you were no longer in the will because they had disowned you, you tried to make out that it was my fault. Thing is, they had started to hate you a long time before that ever happened. They told me so that time I took them all out to the dog racing and made them put a grand on Lusty Veronica, who should have won really. I told you about that didn’t I? Never mind. And stop trying to set fire to my house. It’s pissing me off.
Anyway, I digress. Last Tuesday I was skulking around the local retail park trying to decide whether I wanted to buy myself:
• A tub of screenwipes.
• A bag of compost.
• 24 petrol blue carpet tiles.
• A Power Rangers duvet cover (reduced).
• 3 frames of ten-pin bowling for the price of 2.
I was stood on the corner weighing up the pros and cons and those things which seem like cons but, on closer inspection turn out to be pros, until you actually make the decision when they turn out to have been cons all along, when who should come out of the garden centre but a guitarist I had to fire from an old band. He had a length of hose under one arm and a bag of charcoal briquettes under the other and some kind of flowering shrub stuffed down the front of his trousers. Not wishing to be recognised and decided that if he saw me and tried to speak to me I would pretend to be the spirit of Vincent Price, tell him I was late for the bowling league and run off.
He didn’t see me though. I lurked around for a while longer, kind of hoping he would come back. He didn’t and it began to rain, so I went home for my dinner. I had fish fingers.
Meeting him, the guitarist, who I fired, from that band, back then, before, reminded me that he was the only person I have ever met who managed to make his musical instrument speak the language of his very soul. And it sounded like the death squawk of a terminally constipated goose lodged in the severed head of Janet Street-Porter, being fired from cannon at an orphan, on crutches, at Christmas, for ever and ever. This contributed to his departure from the band. In a strange twist of fortune this week I will be attempting to recreate this very sound for our new song Kompressor. I know I won’t be able to create anything as unpleasant because my soul is not a filthy motorway service station toilet, shellacked with the accumulated secretions of four decades worth of lonely truckers, onanists and perverts.
Why not have a go yourself? I know why.
Meeting him, the guitarist, who I fired, from that band, back then, before, reminded me that he was the only person I have ever met who managed to make his musical instrument speak the language of his very soul. And it sounded like the death squawk of a terminally constipated goose lodged in the severed head of Janet Street-Porter, being fired from cannon at an orphan, on crutches, at Christmas, for ever and ever. This contributed to his departure from the band. In a strange twist of fortune this week I will be attempting to recreate this very sound for our new song Kompressor. I know I won’t be able to create anything as unpleasant because my soul is not a filthy motorway service station toilet, shellacked with the accumulated secretions of four decades worth of lonely truckers, onanists and perverts.
Why not have a go yourself? I know why.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
All day
Why I like Talk to Frank
There is a new (new to me at least) promoter about and they are called Talk to Frank. You might have heard of them.
We first played for them in the Bad Format club at the end of April. Our previous trip there had been a pretty bleak experience, so we were a little cautious about playing there. Ever the optimist I thought that it couldn’t be that bad again. Whilst the turnout was a bit sparse (our intrepid gang of middle-aged co-conspirators made up most of the audience) we had a grand time, played well and I left with a warm glow of satisfaction. A good deal of this warm glow was down to the Frank in Talk to Frank, Mr Frank Hedges.
You meet a lot of “cool” people in this line of work. You meet a lot of people who dam up their enthusiasm for some reason. I’m not much good at that especially when it comes to getting out and making music and as far as I can tell neither is Frank. I like him for this. I also like him because he always gets back to me. I have fired off messages to numerous promoters and I think that I would not be unfair in saying that Talk to Frank is the only one I would be perfectly confident of getting a reply back from, either from Frank himself or Joanne. Good manners cost nothing after all.
Friendly, enthusiastic and they reply to messages. Frank also got out of bed to come to our gig in Parr Street for the Smiles for Japan event. Friendly, enthusiastic, replies to messages and has good taste. If I had a Christmas card list they’d be on it.
Here’s what I suggest you do. If you’re in a band and you’re looking for a gig and you’re not the sort of person who dicks people around and has unreasonable demands (not that anyone like that would be reading this I am sure) then drop him a line and ask for a gig. If you would like to know what a Talk to Frank night is like then check out his facebook page for updates. If you want to know what a Talk to Frank promoted Mashemon gig at the Lomax is like, get your arse down there on the 20th of August. I think knicker throwing would be appropriate.
There is a new (new to me at least) promoter about and they are called Talk to Frank. You might have heard of them.
We first played for them in the Bad Format club at the end of April. Our previous trip there had been a pretty bleak experience, so we were a little cautious about playing there. Ever the optimist I thought that it couldn’t be that bad again. Whilst the turnout was a bit sparse (our intrepid gang of middle-aged co-conspirators made up most of the audience) we had a grand time, played well and I left with a warm glow of satisfaction. A good deal of this warm glow was down to the Frank in Talk to Frank, Mr Frank Hedges.
You meet a lot of “cool” people in this line of work. You meet a lot of people who dam up their enthusiasm for some reason. I’m not much good at that especially when it comes to getting out and making music and as far as I can tell neither is Frank. I like him for this. I also like him because he always gets back to me. I have fired off messages to numerous promoters and I think that I would not be unfair in saying that Talk to Frank is the only one I would be perfectly confident of getting a reply back from, either from Frank himself or Joanne. Good manners cost nothing after all.
Friendly, enthusiastic and they reply to messages. Frank also got out of bed to come to our gig in Parr Street for the Smiles for Japan event. Friendly, enthusiastic, replies to messages and has good taste. If I had a Christmas card list they’d be on it.
Here’s what I suggest you do. If you’re in a band and you’re looking for a gig and you’re not the sort of person who dicks people around and has unreasonable demands (not that anyone like that would be reading this I am sure) then drop him a line and ask for a gig. If you would like to know what a Talk to Frank night is like then check out his facebook page for updates. If you want to know what a Talk to Frank promoted Mashemon gig at the Lomax is like, get your arse down there on the 20th of August. I think knicker throwing would be appropriate.
Friday, 3 June 2011
Preparing Pre-Preventative Cultural Retardation Measures
Not had a gig for a whole 20 days and I have another 22 left to go before our evening in the social centre. That’s 42 days. So far this year I have had to wait 25 days at most between gigs and on average we have had a gig every 10 days. I’ll be including a full breakdown in the annual report.
Not that I have been lazy and sitting around in my dressing gown eating fondant fancies and filing my fingernails. Oh no no! There has been song writing and recording to be done. This has not been the easiest task though. The vocals and guitars for the first album were recorded in my dining room, which was quite a nice room to record in even if the rest of the house was cold and damp and horrible. Unfortunately, despite my new home being neither cold nor damp nor horrible, I now have to record in our spare bedroom. The atmosphere just hasn’t been right and I have been struggling to work out what the matter is and what I can do about it.
So I had a think and came to the conclusion that it was the fact that this house is a mid-terraced affair whereas our last place was at the end of the terrace. This meant that I could sing to my heart’s content safe in the knowledge that no one would be listening. This is not the case in our new place. I can hear our next-door neighbour’s telephone ringing most of the time, so they can definitely hear me bellowing away. And that bothers me. It makes me all shy and timid. So there was only one solution that I could think of.
Booze. Yes, a few glasses of anxiety inhibitor are definitely the answer. There’s a balance to be struck of course, I want to have the rosy glow and the inability to properly appreciate the consequences of my behaviour, but I don’t want to end up with the diction of Shane MacGowan. Don’t want anything too gassy either. Whilst my belches have a certain rich bass texture I find it quite hard to get them in tune and we don’t use any pitch adjusting techniques in Mashemon. We do a lot of other things, but that’s just not cricket.
So the recording is back on track. Our first single of the year will be a three track affair containing the following:
1. Lips Limbs Lungs
2. Dead Dog (Texas Sex Club Mix)
3. Note Left Unwritten
Should be ready for July. I am also pleased to announce that this single will feature live drums. Our rehearsals with Andy have been going extremely well, so well in fact that I have been making involuntary Rock Singer Exclamations. I have never been one to do that sort of thing, making those “woo” and “yeah” noises and letting out a bit of “huh” and “hoo” or maybe a little “ooooootakemetothebridge”. I’ve just never felt the urge. But I did the other day. We rocked like a mother. Fucker. And the R.S.E just slithered out. Not too many, I have standards, but a couple. I think my posture may have improved as well. And I definitely did more hair shaking. Whether these are welcome modifications I don’t know, you’ll have to come and watch us on the 25th of June and make your assessment then. I’m excited now and I’ve still got 22 days left to wait. By the time of the gig I’ll be so excited I won’t be able to get my trousers on.
Things are going to sound different, louder for a start. Here’s the set:
1. Guts
2. Kompressor
3. Frank Bloke
4. Another Man's Dirt
5. Sanity Check
6. Lips Limbs Lungs
7. Facts
Not 100% sure about the order yet, but that’s what we’ll be doing. Still confirming the other bands for the night, but it’ll be a grand old time. Come along and partake. If not I’ll be coming round yours and you won’t like that at all.
Not that I have been lazy and sitting around in my dressing gown eating fondant fancies and filing my fingernails. Oh no no! There has been song writing and recording to be done. This has not been the easiest task though. The vocals and guitars for the first album were recorded in my dining room, which was quite a nice room to record in even if the rest of the house was cold and damp and horrible. Unfortunately, despite my new home being neither cold nor damp nor horrible, I now have to record in our spare bedroom. The atmosphere just hasn’t been right and I have been struggling to work out what the matter is and what I can do about it.
So I had a think and came to the conclusion that it was the fact that this house is a mid-terraced affair whereas our last place was at the end of the terrace. This meant that I could sing to my heart’s content safe in the knowledge that no one would be listening. This is not the case in our new place. I can hear our next-door neighbour’s telephone ringing most of the time, so they can definitely hear me bellowing away. And that bothers me. It makes me all shy and timid. So there was only one solution that I could think of.
Booze. Yes, a few glasses of anxiety inhibitor are definitely the answer. There’s a balance to be struck of course, I want to have the rosy glow and the inability to properly appreciate the consequences of my behaviour, but I don’t want to end up with the diction of Shane MacGowan. Don’t want anything too gassy either. Whilst my belches have a certain rich bass texture I find it quite hard to get them in tune and we don’t use any pitch adjusting techniques in Mashemon. We do a lot of other things, but that’s just not cricket.
So the recording is back on track. Our first single of the year will be a three track affair containing the following:
1. Lips Limbs Lungs
2. Dead Dog (Texas Sex Club Mix)
3. Note Left Unwritten
Should be ready for July. I am also pleased to announce that this single will feature live drums. Our rehearsals with Andy have been going extremely well, so well in fact that I have been making involuntary Rock Singer Exclamations. I have never been one to do that sort of thing, making those “woo” and “yeah” noises and letting out a bit of “huh” and “hoo” or maybe a little “ooooootakemetothebridge”. I’ve just never felt the urge. But I did the other day. We rocked like a mother. Fucker. And the R.S.E just slithered out. Not too many, I have standards, but a couple. I think my posture may have improved as well. And I definitely did more hair shaking. Whether these are welcome modifications I don’t know, you’ll have to come and watch us on the 25th of June and make your assessment then. I’m excited now and I’ve still got 22 days left to wait. By the time of the gig I’ll be so excited I won’t be able to get my trousers on.
Things are going to sound different, louder for a start. Here’s the set:
1. Guts
2. Kompressor
3. Frank Bloke
4. Another Man's Dirt
5. Sanity Check
6. Lips Limbs Lungs
7. Facts
Not 100% sure about the order yet, but that’s what we’ll be doing. Still confirming the other bands for the night, but it’ll be a grand old time. Come along and partake. If not I’ll be coming round yours and you won’t like that at all.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Too tense for trousers.
13 gigs in the bag for us. They have been a varied mix of fun, frustration and the fog of war. Now, as promised, we are going to have a few weeks of rehearsal and recording in preparation for kicking off again in late June.
Here are some things for you to expect:
1. 3 singles, each backed by a pair of B-sides.
2. 1 album.
3. 1 drummer.
So that’s 12ish new recordings and 33.33% more Mashemon. That’s really not bad. More than I’ve ever got from my subscription to Fence and Hedge Aficionado, the bi-annual publication for the discerning boundary enthusiast.
Our two May gigs were very enjoyable. Both were in support of the Smiles For Japan event and hopefully we entertained the people who turned up in support. The Thursday gig was a hoot, good sound for us to play with and nice people. The Saturday gig was a more considered and restrained event since it was early evening, we were playing our quiet set and I had not exchanged much of my blood for fizzy attitude adjuster, although I made up for that afterwards…..
Playing the quiet set for a second time was alright, but given the amount of noise we have been making of late I think it is safe to say it will be going back in the box for a little while.
It was obvious that a lot of time and effort had gone into the Smiles for Japan fundraising, and we felt proud to be a part of it and give some support. Thank you Seba for asking us along. I particularly enjoyed the man in the Dolphin suit. A triumph.
Finally I would like to say thank you to the nice woman who felt compelled to curtsy to me when we were introduced on Saturday before the gig. I like to think it was on account of my good posture and regal demeanour. Or maybe I look like the Queen. Don’t know. Carry on!
Here are some things for you to expect:
1. 3 singles, each backed by a pair of B-sides.
2. 1 album.
3. 1 drummer.
So that’s 12ish new recordings and 33.33% more Mashemon. That’s really not bad. More than I’ve ever got from my subscription to Fence and Hedge Aficionado, the bi-annual publication for the discerning boundary enthusiast.
Our two May gigs were very enjoyable. Both were in support of the Smiles For Japan event and hopefully we entertained the people who turned up in support. The Thursday gig was a hoot, good sound for us to play with and nice people. The Saturday gig was a more considered and restrained event since it was early evening, we were playing our quiet set and I had not exchanged much of my blood for fizzy attitude adjuster, although I made up for that afterwards…..
Playing the quiet set for a second time was alright, but given the amount of noise we have been making of late I think it is safe to say it will be going back in the box for a little while.
It was obvious that a lot of time and effort had gone into the Smiles for Japan fundraising, and we felt proud to be a part of it and give some support. Thank you Seba for asking us along. I particularly enjoyed the man in the Dolphin suit. A triumph.
Finally I would like to say thank you to the nice woman who felt compelled to curtsy to me when we were introduced on Saturday before the gig. I like to think it was on account of my good posture and regal demeanour. Or maybe I look like the Queen. Don’t know. Carry on!
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