Tuesday 31 July 2012

If I let go of it for just a second we'll all be impregnated


We were trying to think of something different the other day. We are playing at the FesEvol at the The Kazimier on Saturday the 12th of August and since we’ll be playing in the daylight we won’t have the opportunity to use the projectors. This means that we will have to rely on our own natural charm, charisma and stage presence to embellish the performance. Hmmm.

So we were thinking of ways we can do something a bit different and we pondered, stared into the middle distance, stroked our chins, made thinking noises and furrowed our brows. This is what we came up with:

  1. Perform naked.
  2. Get an escapologist.
  3. Grow moustaches.
I think you’ll agree that’s certainly a list. As to whether the items in the list are quality items, I think the less said the better. Sometimes we come up with better ideas than this, but not this time.

If we were to be trendy zeitgeisty types, we’d put it to the vote. Except it would be a thoroughly demoralising process for all concerned no matter what the outcome was. Much like chemical warfare or the postal service.  

It’s not always easy to come up with an interesting or novel idea at the drop of a hat, although strangely enough the International Hat Dropping Championships were thought up in just that fashion. Still, relying on serendipity isn’t going to put dinner on the table or money in the bank or ducks in the pond or monkeys in the trees or fish in the sea or tassels on nipples or chips in the fryer or ground glass in the camp commandant’s mashed potatoes or Buck Rodgers in the 25th Century. 

This effort from Geoff "Fiery" Boycott saw him lift the Chalice in 1970

What I’m saying is, if we’d had a flip chart and some pens and a day of team building exercises we might have come up with something better. So don't make the same mistake. Mashemon Inc. run a series of Action Activity Days focusing on fostering improved inter-personal team dynamics, re-balancing systemic process inequalities, providing nurture bubbles for proto-cognitive realisation gradients and facilitating non-culpable responsibility “we-states” vital in the full formation of intermeshed community zero-scale market gearing in the modern world. 

Formalising the "notion-of-us" in a respect-rhombus

Prices start at £300 per person per day. Buffet lunch and light refreshments included. Bring a change of clothing.

Ultimately it will all come down to the performance on the day. I am planning on taking one song at a time, playing the high percentage notes, keeping focussed on doing the simple stuff right and playing each ball on its merits. You simply cannot afford to make simple mistakes at this level and you should be able to clear up in one visit. Our defence is strong, we’ve been training well and Andy is getting over his groin strain. He might need a pain killing injection, but he’s a brave lad and I’m sure he’ll give 110%. As far as Mike’s upcoming trial for racism, homophobia, sexual misconduct and armed robbery is concerned, we are not making any comment at the present time. Because we’re a little scared of him. 

It's about this time of the day that I like to tell you to go and boil your head.

Thursday 12 July 2012

I saw butterflies eat flesh!


I return! Like an eel in a coracle, or a wasp in a thermos flask. I know I’ve not been getting as many posts on here as I should and I know I’ve said before that I’ll be more prolific so I’m here to tell you two things:

  1. There will be more blog posts in the future
  2. They will appear at a higher frequency
  3. They will make less sense than ever.

You can put that in a bag and call take it to the funeral home.

Talking of funeral homes, there’s one down the road from where I live which has the most interesting exterior decoration this side of the M6. You’re all familiar with what a Tudor house looks like I presume. White walls, black beams, you might be able to summon the image in front of your mind right now. There might even be a Tudor man and Tudor woman standing outside the house. Give them a wave. Are they waving back? Try again. Anything? Probably not. Bastards. 

Oi! Big nose! Look me in the eye when you don't wave at me.
You’re also probably aware of the 20th Century Mock-Tudor house. You know, you see them in middle-class housing estates with their black timbers and white bits of wall. There’s probably a Ford Mondeo in the drive way. Possibly a Ford Focus as well. There’s a nice couple standing outside. Give them a wave. Are they waving back? Probably not. That’s because you are too poor and they are afraid of you. If you look carefully they have both let a little bit of wee come out. 

Stop being happy and wealthy and eat your dinner.

So, we know what a Tudor house looks like, although you might be thinking of the Tudor Revival of the late 19th and early 20th Century. I’ll let you off this time, but my goodness you’re pushing it. One of these days we’re going to come to blows and when the punching starts I punch to maim. Not to demoralise or deter, proper horrible, brutal, nasty, ugly punches. And I’ll kick you in the balls as well. If you’re not a ball owner I’ll kick someone else in their balls and it will be all your fault. So please, just stop dicking around and pay attention. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

If I may continue. You’ve got your Tudor house and you’ve got your Mock Tudor house. Both of them involve the use of wooden beams visible on the exterior, in the Tudor house they are actually structural whereas in the Mock Tudor house they are more decorative, to give the impression of a half-timber structure.

The funeral home down the road has taken this one step further by painting on the dark timer beams. Yes, that’s right; it’s a Mock Mock Tudor building. I don’t know whether to shit myself or go blind. Suffice to say, every time I pass by I give it a round of applause.

I’m guessing that right about now you’re thinking:

 “That’s exactly the look I’ve been searching for my home. But how can someone like me ever afford to have a house like that?”
Well there’s no need to fret or sell your organs because Mashemon Property Redesign offer a wide range of exciting design possibilities for your home. With prices starting as low as £37.42 (excluding VAT) you can have the dream home you’ve always dreamed of dreaming of. Give us a call and we’ll be round in a flash. A cup of tea would be nice. White, no sugar. Thanks, sugar tits.